December 31, 2015

It's a silent battle.

 

I wish I have the ability to not care and not bother. I wish my feelings are fiction, my thoughts are bullshit, my mind is a one big lie. I wish this is a fucking drama.

 

I do not have the strength to prove the authenticity of my mental condition to anyone, let alone talking about it to non-believers.

 

Raf told me that people, especially family, does not need to understand. Nobody could, anyway. They just need to support you. So I'm gonna stick to that.

 

I have it all under control, haven't I? I am behaving normally. I am happy externally.

 

I am not comfortable with people telling me what to do with something that I am more familiar with than they are.

 

My head.

 

Yesterday was Ayah's birthday. My master, my hero, my strength. My everything, really. I am not ready to lose him. Or Ummi. I suck at showing them how I feel but I would truly rather lose my sanity than losing my family.

 

I think of cancer a lot these days. I lost almost all the females in my family to...

December 30, 2015

Every day is a struggle.

 

At times I go driving alone with the intention to let go of the steering while I'm speeding.

Just for the sake of it.

 

I am aware of what could happen. I am aware of my family and my baby.

 

I don't know why I have these thoughts. I wonder if a demon is taking me over.

 

I also wonder about a lot of other things.

Like- how could souls walk into each other's mind and life, crush each other's dream and sanity, and then leave into becoming total strangers and haunted memories?

 

This is so fucked up. 

I am so messed up.

 

Please teach me how to be heartless. I need to survive the real world.

 

Sometimes I just want to sleep all day and not wake up. I don't want to die just yet;

I just want to sleep and sleep... and not wake up ever again.

December 29, 2015

I feel like a little girl who fell into a deep, dark, narrow hole, with no ladder.

 

No space to lie down.

 

I can either stand or sit- and that's it.

 

Kuku saya dah penuh dengan batu dan tanah... as I try to climb my way out, over and over again, with my two bare hands.

 

Telapak tangan saya penuh dengan luka yang terluka. Belum sembuh, tercalar lagi. Belum pulih, terhiris lagi. Ulang berkali-kali.

 

This is tiring. Dada saya sesak dan lutut saya lemah akibat lubang tanah yang sempit ini.

 

Time will heal, everyone says. Time will tell.

I'm not so sure about that. Time does not seem to heal me. Time does not tell me anything except that I'm trapped here and sometimes I can't even remember how does the sun look like anymore.

 

Up there, people are walking and laughing and moving on, passing me by like nothing happened.

I scream but nobody could hear.

 

How did I allow myself to play at this garden so carelessly in the first place? How did this happen?

 

I am just a little girl. All I want...

December 26, 2015

I think we all cried a little bit more when we were babies. Or a lot more. But definitely more.

 

I mean, the first thing that we did as humans, after breathing, probably, was crying.

 

Crying was our only way of communicating.

 

We cried when were in pain, or shocked, or frightened, or bored, or hungry, or sad, or constipating, or uncomfortable, or sweating, or frustrated, or mad-- crying was basically our solution to most problems. It was how we took things; how we reacted and responded towards various situations.

 

As we grew older, the list became shorter. Much shorter. We learned how to cope, how to digest. We began to have less and less reasons to cry. You'd think feeling sad would be adults' final excuse for crying, but sometimes adults don't even cry anymore, not even when they're sad.

 

I think it's scary when we don't cry anymore. When we're deep in this black hole and our hearts are as heavy as the dark clouds yet our eyes... they are still. Lifeless and...

December 22, 2015

 

"Broken and beautiful."

 

We come with our songs, you come with your souls. All the way from Kuala Lumpur, our very first intimate music showcase in Perak, structured specially for you loyal listeners who never had the chance to watch us rock the stage. Let us help you bring together the pieces of your heart through 10 of our original composition, from our soldout performance 'Spirit of Rasia' and our upcoming album 'Raskat'. Seri Iskandar, kami datang!

 

---

 

I am so excited. We're going on a super short road trip tomorrow.

 

December 21, 2015

I cried on my way home. My pathetic problems and I cried on our way home.

 

It's not fair. These people have jobs. They are not jobless. They work. Just like the rest of us. Yet they live on the streets. Their babies sleep on cardboards like kittens. They are not lazy. They are doing something with their lives. Yet they cannot afford a home. They could neither buy nor rent one. They have to hang around the streets till their kids fall asleep. Their cramped room is only for sleeping and bathing. It's not a home. It doesn't belong to one family alone. Less than RM 800 of salary per 30 days to feed and raise a family of 7, plus a cramped room that's not even a home.

 

It's not fair.

 

The government has failed them.

 

The government has failed ALL of us.

 

Look what you've done.

 

I hope you sleep well at night.

December 20, 2015

 

Ada beberapa orang tanya saya: "Bagi barang percuma pada gelandangan dan golongan miskin kota ni, tak menggalak kemalasan mereka ke? Benda-benda percuma ginilah yang buat mereka selesa."

 

Saya terdiam. Kenapa kepala otak saya yang jahil ni tak pernah terfikir sampai ke situ.

 

Dan saya rasa bukan saya sorang. Kita semua, senyap-senyap, tiap bulan bila ada barang untuk dibagi ke charity bin atau pakcik yang kutip tin, kita memang fikir nak bagi je. Memang tak fikir jauh. Tak tahulah. Every action has its pros and cons. Saya pilih nak fokus pada positif kot.

 

Di zaman orang duk laung pasal "kita Melayu kena kaya" atau "ketahuilah rahsia magnet kekayaan" atau "rasai ertikata sebenar kejayaan dengan menjadi kaya dalam masa sebulan" saya macam rimas kadang-kadang. Duit makin penting terima kasih kepada kecelakaan ekonomi, betul, tapi saya tak nak dia jadi Tuhan, atau matlamat hidup.

 

Dalampada maintenance fee rumah saya dengan jahanamnya nak naik 66.6% pun, buat masa ini, saya masih percaya yan...

December 17, 2015

It will always hurt.

 

I am coming to terms with that fact.

 

It will always hurt.

 

I should not count on time to cure and heal me. I should not hope for this anguish to pass. I should not expect tomorrow to be better. I should not put a pressure on things to be okay.

 

Maybe it's okay for things to not be okay. Maybe it's okay to feel like shit. Maybe it's okay to feel like shit and not fully understand why I feel like shit.

 

Maybe it's okay for things to never be the same again. Ever. 

 

I'm okay. Not my first time dying, anyway.

December 17, 2015

Ada orang peramah dan ceria di alam maya, tapi bila kita jumpa depan-depan dia pendiam, tak banyak kata.

 

Kita label dia hipokrit.

 

Ada orang berbunyi depressed and disturbed di alam maya, tapi bila kita jumpa depan-depan dia elok senyum, ketawa.

 

Kita label dia pengeluh.

 

Sebetulnya kita takkan tahu seseorang itu jenis pura-pura ataupun tidak. Kita bukan Tuhan; kita tak tonton dia luar dalam 24 jam sehari 7 hari seminggu. Kita takkan tahu mana satu sisi diri dia yang sebenar. Dalam 20 tahun dia hidup, kita mungkin kawan dia selama 2 tahun - dan itu belum cukup untuk kita buat rumusan. Atau dalam 30 tahun dia hidup, kita mungkin kekasih dia selama 6 tahun - dan itu tetap belum cukup untuk kita buat kesimpulan.

 

You will be surprised of how long people are actually capable of pretending and hiding, for reasons only they know and understand.

 

(which isn't necessarily a bad thing)

 

And you will be surprised of how many personalities a human could have.

 

(which isn't necessarily a bad thing either...

December 16, 2015

I wonder how long does it take for a scar to be painless. For a scar to be just a mark, a distant memory, and nothing more. It always amazes me how trouble-free it seems for the people you love to leave you a scar. You don't realize your heart is in their hands until they crush it into pieces, in a blink of an eye, so... effortlessly. Like a dance that begins so very gracefully before it cripples a toe.

 

And it's not even their fault. You were the one who gave it to them through your actions and words. You.

 

"I thought my heart was made of steel, no?" No. Not when it doesn't belong to you anymore.

 

You may not be aware of this but when you hand your heart to a person, you are also giving him/her one other thing: A knife. This person will always have both. Your heart and a knife. Doesn't matter the latter will be used or not; he/she will always have the ability to cut you open at anytime.

 

It can be used once, or twice, or more.

It can be unused for so many years, before finally coming...

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