January 27, 2016

Anak-anak cilik menuruni gelongsor, kejar-mengejar mengelilingi taman permainan sebuah restoran makanan segera yang masyhur. Gadis menongkat dagu di meja, ralit melihat anak-anak itu bercanda. Kek coklat kecil yang dibelinya belum bermakan, malah ia duduk saja berhadapan. Termenung Gadis merenung kek itu. Entah kenapa dibelinya walhal selera juga tiada. 

 

Langit mulai jingga. Pinggang mulai lenguh.

 

Gadis mengimbas jam tangan, sebelum melepas sehela keluhan. Dipandangnya kiri kanan, sebelum berkeputusan untuk mengalah akhirnya dan berangkat menuju ke kereta.

 

Aduh. Minyak kering.

 

Mujur tidak jauh ada sebuah stesen minyak buat mengisi tangki yang kian gering.

 

Baru saja Gadis turun, dia terus didatangi seorang budak perempuan sekitar umur 10 tahun. Tubuhnya kecil, bertudung comel.

 

"Kak. Derma untuk sekolah saya, kak?" tanya budak perempuan itu sambil menunjukkan sekeping sijil terang-terangan palsu.

 

Perlahan Gadis melutut agar tingginya separa kanak-kanak itu. Dilih...

January 20, 2016

Maybe I can't do this anymore.

 

I have so much on my plate lately and hurtful words certainly do not help me.

 

Change all you want- while I have no choice but to be stuck in this brain and body.

 

Maybe it's good, after all, the possibility of moving out of here.

 

Maybe I need a new home, a different town, an unfamiliar environment.

 

Maybe I need to be far away from the scars that have been painfully silent.

 

Help me, God.

 

Help me burn my heart to ashes.

 

For it weakens me more than it strengthens me.

 

Teach me to be loveless.

 

Teach me to be mean.

 

Teach me how to stop feeling, and waiting, and hoping.

January 10, 2016

We're moving from Seri Iskandar to Ipoh-- the showcase.

 

The owner of the event space wanted to postpone our gig to probably February... an idea which I don't really fancy because we've set this event on our schedule and we've promoted it here and there. I'm so thankful that Khizanat is willing to help us out. This sudden change is a bit troubling, yes, but also relieving.

 

Ipoh has always been special to me.

 

---

 

Ummi and Ayah are going away for umrah tomorrow. Ummi made us siblings sit down and listen to her explanation about her assets and properties - just in case something happens.

 

Well, I don't like "Just in case." I wanted to tell her "You're not supposed to substitute yourself with your wealth, you know.  You're supposed to come back home so please just do that."

 

---

 

I forgot how good Padi is.

 

"Semua tak sama. Tak pernah sama."

January 8, 2016

RM 186 disappeared from my bank account.

 

One hundred and eighty six ringgit. 

Which was basically all that I had.

 

I've checked online- it happened on Wednesday. Well, I stayed at home all day on Wednesday. I have yet to reach somebody from the bank; the line had been busy all day. Tried so many times.

 

Seratus lapan puluh enam ringgit.

 

I was outside, in public, when I discovered this. Saya dah lama tak pergi ATM. Dah lama tak guna kad debit saya pun. Sebab saya tahu dalamnya tak ada duit sangat. So there was really no point. Until today, I was about to buy a present for Ayah- and the money that was supposed to be there was not there.

 

I got so upset and disappointed, it came to a point where I couldn't think clearly, couldn't focus on what people were saying to me, my knees felt sort of weak and my surroundings became a bit blurry- I had to stop walking and stand aside from the crowd just to catch a breath.

 

I don't know which is more...

January 6, 2016

The day before yesterday Ummi got into the hospital. Her whole life, she had only been warded once. That was years ago when I was in school. She was suspected to have breast cancer. Now it seemed she had another benign at her thyroid. Most probably a non-cancerous thyroid cyst, but we'll never know, said the doctor. Still waiting for the result. The cyst itself was about 6cm, already pressing hard against her breathing passage, making it smaller. She was admitted in the morning, the minor op was done right away, and only later at night was I being informed on the whole thing.

 

So typical of my mom.

 

She wasn't aware that she had a living growth inside of her up until her neck got so swollen it was making her feel uncomfortable. "Suddenly I realized I had this thing," she told us.

 

Suddenly.

 

Isn't life full of suddenlys? Suddenly you're sick. Suddenly you're sad. Suddenly you lose. Suddenly you're lonely. Suddenly. Suddenlys are scary. And sometimes they're scary as shi...

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