March 29, 2016

Iklan dah keluar tv, saya masih cubit diri - "Macam manalah kau boleh berani berani buat benda ni, Waniiiii?" Awak tahu kan saya penakut. Bila sama nama-nama hebat Lokalab menjemput.... saya rasa semut lagi besar daripada saya kot. 

 

Cuma ini bukan pasal saya, awak. Ini pasal ‪25 Rasul‬ kita. Awak tahu kan saya haruk maruk bengkang bengkok macam mana. Tersangat tak layak nak cakap pasal agama.

 

Tapi saya dibagi pula kisah Nabi Zakaria a.s. Awak tahu kan kisah Nabi Zakaria a.s., ujian dia nak berzuriat. Bab gini memanglah saya lemah (read: dekat). I'm not brave. I'm not a saint. I'm not even a good mom (yet). But I choose to be part of this because it reminds me of Ayah. Ayah has always been my bridge to amazing stories of prophets and inspiring stories of his life, his upbringing.

 

I thought maybe I can be that bridge. I'm so not the kindest or the most positive person, but maybe I can be a bridge between people and stories of kindness and positivity. Maybe. 

 

Saya pinjam je, awak. Sa...

March 27, 2016

Saya kan awak, tak bercita-cita tinggi sebenarnya. I'm a low achiever. I expect less. Sebab saya penakut. I have no plans on chasing after perfection. I have no plans on becoming the best. Saya tak pandai bersaing. Saya jenis puas hati dengan merasa. Dalam hidup yang singkat ini, banyak benda saya teringin nak rasa. Bila saya rasa, bila saya cuba, saya belajar. 

 

Saya tak reti jadi orang yang seumur hidup duduk satu tempat atau buat satu benda. ('Tempat' dan 'benda' dalam konteks ini ada pelbagai definisi.) Kalau orang tanya apa pekerjaan saya, sejujurnya saya selalu tak tahu nak jawab apa. Tapi hati saya kata, I'm a learner. Segala benda yang saya buat, segala benda yang saya kerjakan, semuanya sebab saya nak rasa, dan saya nak belajar.

 

Malam esok matapelajaran pentas.

And these are my favourite classmates: ‪

#‎WaniArdyandtheGuitarPolygamy‬. 

March 18, 2016

Bercakap tentang belajar, Selasa lepas saya ke SMK Tunku Ampuan Durah. I was invited to give a motivational talk to 110 STPM students. Saya gemuruh gila, awak. Biasanya saya dijemput kolej dan universiti; ini kali pertama saya dijemput sekolah. 

 

Saya agak yakin untuk berkongsi di IPT sebab masa saya di IPT dulu, saya pelajar yang agak baik dari segi akademik. Tapi sekolah, saya memang goyang. Saya tak pandai, awak. Bukan tak pandai sikit-sikit, tak pandai BANYAK. Matematik saya lulus buat pertama kalinya kena pada waktu SPM -- Ummi saya dia punya sujud syukur macam nak sembelih kambing buat kenduri. 

 

Tapi kan awak, bila saya makin dewasa, saya sedar saya lebih banyak belajar dari orang-orang yang gagal berbanding orang-orang yang berjaya. Saya kaji universiti-universiti terkemuka di dunia, bila dia jemput orang berucap di majlis konvokesyen, dia suka pilih orang-orang yang pernah gagal. Bukanlah saya kata awak patut lepak dulu, gagal dulu, tak payah belajar. Tidaklah gitu. Saya nak kat...

March 16, 2016

This may sound overdramatic or syok sendiri but honest to God, I die a little inside every time I sing my songs. Maybe not exactly all of them but most of them, yes. Including this one, Lampu Jalan. Awak mungkin rasa benda ni awesome atau cool tapi sebenarnya saya naik letih, awak. It's emotionally and mentally consuming. Like seriously Wani dah berapa tahun kau nyanyi lagu-lagu ni takkan nak menangis dalam hati lagi? I guess the problem with being a songwriter is that you feel too much it's almost like a curse. Mungkin lebih elok lain kali jangan tulis lagu yang based on real people and true stories. That way you won't picture their faces or whatever memories that are eating you inside, okay Wani?

March 14, 2016

Ayah kata, tanpa sakit, kita takkan kenal sihat. Dan tanpa ujian, kita takkan kenal Allah.

 

The songwords of Askar and Belajar are in my head right now for some reasons.

 

I wrote and composed them during the times when I believed in the power of pretending that you're alright. Today, I still believe in it. I believe it's okay to sometimes act like you're happy, like you're strong, like you're beautiful, though deep down inside you feel like the unhappiest, weakest, ugliest person you know to be alive. I believe different people deal with things differently. I believe every journey towards self discovery and self improvement is not the same. Pretending is for hypocrites, some said, but it could be a real coping mechanism to others.

 

I don't believe that soldiers are 100% strong and brave from the very beginning. I believe they cry many quiet nights and have shitload of silent fears. I believe they start by acting strong and brave, and eventually, they learn to truly be.

 

We are all struggle...

March 13, 2016

Bulan ini genap 10 bulan saya meletakkan jawatan sebagai seorang pensyarah sepenuh masa di sebuah IPTA.

 

I first became a lecturer in 2007. It was an IPTS. I was only 23, with a few years of working experience in the creative industry.

 

Jujurnya sepanjang saya mengajar, saya tak pernah betul-betul rasa seperti seorang pengajar. Dalam minda dan atas kertas, iya. But deep down in my heart, not really. Saya budak, sama macam budak-budak. Saya tak tahu, sama macam mereka yang ingin tahu. Saya belajar, sama macam para pelajar. 

 

I functioned as a lecturer, physically and mentally, yes, but emotionally and spiritually, I didn't exactly feel like a teacher. If anything, I felt like a garang sister. A grader. 

 

Students needed me mostly because I marked their papers and assignments, because I graded them, because I passed them. That was the priority, the reality.

 

I only started to truly feel like a teacher in 2015, when I resigned. Why? Because since that moment and to this very day, my kids...

March 7, 2016

Setiap lingkaran hitam yang berumah di bawah mata kacaku 

adalah jiwa yang aku cagarkan untuk membeli waktu 

dan setiap urat belikat yang bersungai di muka tanganku

adalah orang-orang tercinta yang diizin meratah ruhku.

Wani Ardy

Pengkalan Weld

March 6, 2016

This year turns out to be a crucial year for the band. Pinjaman. Alhamdulillah. This year I will also turn 32. Ya, saya selalu lambat dalam segala hal. Saya mengaku. Termasuk perkembangan saya sebagai seorang hamba yang berkarya. Namun saya percaya rezeki tak pernah terlambat. Benda Dia tulis takkan mungkin terlewat. Rezeki is always in its perfect form. No matter what it is, how big & how much it is, when & where it arrives. Hubungan saya dengan muzik & penulisan sangat mudah. Kita tahu kita takkan bersama selamanya, tapi insyaAllah selagi kau nak aku, aku nak kau. Begitulah.

March 4, 2016

This is for you, who feels rejected, and you, who have been rejected, over and over again. 

 

I promise you; nobody can promise you that it won't happen again.

 

Rejection is not something that you swallow only when you're a kid or a teen. It is something that you digest for as long as you live. 

 

"For as long as you live." 

 

If you're being rejected, it means that you live. It means that you're being your very self. It means that you have principles (though you may not realize this). It means that you've put yourself out there. It means that you've been brave. It means that you've risked your heart.

 

I still get rejected. By companies. By schools. By events. By people. To this very day, wallahi, I still get rejected. You would think being adults, people would handle rejection better, like experts. Not always. Not really. A heart which dares to hope, repeatedly, does not think, only feels. It gets broken and rebirth, broken and rebirth, like a baby who knows nothing. When it says "this is the...

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