Alive

My previous blog disappeared into thin air (metaphorically speaking) and since then, I have been scared. Scared of compiling my writings online. Do you know how it feels like to lose half of your life? That was how I felt when it happened. I breathe and live through writing. I think and digest through writing. I learn and remember through writing. Losing my blog was like losing a huge chunk of my memory. I don't like not remembering. I don't like forgetting. It makes me feel slow and stupid. I am already slow and stupid, but I don't want to FEEL it. You know what I mean?

I want to remember things. Including things that are painful. I know I say it all the time - "fuck the past" - but the truth is, I want to keep them, even if they're cancerous. That's what they are. Cancer. They seem like they come and go, spreading and static, but really they never leave.

It's okay to have a little poison in your body. If it hurts you, you know you're alive.