It's a silent battle.

I wish I have the ability to not care and not bother. I wish my feelings are fiction, my thoughts are bullshit, my mind is a one big lie. I wish this is a fucking drama.

I do not have the strength to prove the authenticity of my mental condition to anyone, let alone talking about it to non-believers.

Raf told me that people, especially family, does not need to understand. Nobody could, anyway. They just need to support you. So I'm gonna stick to that.

I have it all under control, haven't I? I am behaving normally. I am happy externally.

I am not comfortable with people telling me what to do with something that I am more familiar with than they are.

My head.

Yesterday was Ayah's birthday. My master, my hero, my strength. My everything, really. I am not ready to lose him. Or Ummi. I suck at showing them how I feel but I would truly rather lose my sanity than losing my family.

I think of cancer a lot these days. I lost almost all the females in my family to cancer. I wonder if I will die of cancer too. I am not prepared. But then again, I'm not sure if living for a hundred years is enough for me to ask for forgiveness. I have too many sins. I am blessed that God still loves me.

It's 2016. My heart could not be any smaller than it already is. It has sunked so deep, so low, and at times to places I could not comprehend how or why. But no pain will last forever. I myself will not last forever. I want to be more giving. I think kindness will cure me. I believe helping people will help me.

I'll try.

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