186

RM 186 disappeared from my bank account.

One hundred and eighty six ringgit.

Which was basically all that I had.

I've checked online- it happened on Wednesday. Well, I stayed at home all day on Wednesday. I have yet to reach somebody from the bank; the line had been busy all day. Tried so many times.

Seratus lapan puluh enam ringgit.

I was outside, in public, when I discovered this. Saya dah lama tak pergi ATM. Dah lama tak guna kad debit saya pun. Sebab saya tahu dalamnya tak ada duit sangat. So there was really no point. Until today, I was about to buy a present for Ayah- and the money that was supposed to be there was not there.

I got so upset and disappointed, it came to a point where I couldn't think clearly, couldn't focus on what people were saying to me, my knees felt sort of weak and my surroundings became a bit blurry- I had to stop walking and stand aside from the crowd just to catch a breath.

I don't know which is more disturbing:

The fact that I've lost some amount of money,

or the fact that I am so affected by the lost of a stupid, silly thing called money.

Didn't I remind myself all the time not to be too bothered by money?

How did I come to this?

I hate this economy.

RM 186 used to be RM 18.60 to me.

Now it's RM 1860. That's how much it feels like.

Do I regret quitting my RM 4k job?

So far, no.

If you think I am mentally and emotionally unhealthy today, I swear to you that I was much, much, much worse back then. At least physically I am healthier now. (Okay except this part where I sleep during the day and stay up writing at night.) I have not been warded since I resigned. I've been hospital-free for 8 months and that's an achievement, I tell you. So no, I don't regret. Being offered the same position at the same place- no, I will not take it, even if it sucks to not have much money.

*thinking*

Should I unsubscribe from having the usual charity bodies deducting donations from my account? I've unsubscribed a lot of things except these. (And insurance. And PTPTN.) These are my last resort. I can't give them up. Damn it, I've already aimed on becoming more giving this year.

Maybe it's not always about money.

Maybe it's never about money in the first place.

You know, I read an article (I was too chicken to watch the video) about a Palestinian grandfather feeding his baby grandchild with water mixed with tomato sauce. Can you believe it? Water. Mixed with tomato sauce. Because there's no milk. Because that's all there is. That's just fucked up, you know? Breaks my heart like crazy. Nobody deserves to live like that, especially a tiny little baby.

I need a strategy.